As expected, this video featuring comedian Joan Rivers is funny. And the goal of the public service announcement – encouraging families to have open discussions about aging – is important and admirable. But unfortunately the video employs negative stereotypes and a deflating message to highlight the importance of “aging parent” and adult child discussions about the future. It models how not to approach these conversations: “I’m old. I’m unattractive. I’m going to die soon. Let’s talk before it’s too late.” This part of the message doesn’t work for me.
Parents and their children need to avoid approaches that increase anxiety about what’s coming along downstream. Of course, end-of-life conversations are essential but there is so much more to talk about. Most often, these discussions can be and should be held within an uplifting and empowering context. “There is life yet to be lived and I’m going to help you live it – even if things get difficult.”
In my book “But I Don’t Want Eldercare!” I advise readers that telling parents that you want to help them to preserve their well-being can determine how they view and manage problems that may come along. Parents need to know their children’s solutions do not automatically include a move to a nursing home and that “eldercare” is about much more than “being taken care of.” Direct care workers can be a powerful force that transform and restore lives.
Often, direct care workers help families and elders cope with the fear and reality of aging by being a support system. Many have years of experience helping people age gracefully, but realize that aging is a difficult topic for families. They can educate parents and their children and help foster an open, honest discussion to address important concerns, fears and questions.
In my next post I will discuss creative and practical strategies for fostering open conversations with reluctant parents.
