Vicki Erickson
It was 1989 when I found out I was pregnant. As a direct care worker in the eighties, I made even less than most DCWs make these days. I knew I couldn’t raise a baby on the wages I was making – a mere $250 every two weeks. As so many of my colleagues have learned, it is nearly impossible to raise a family on direct care wages despite the fact that so many are dependent on our care.
I had been adopted as a baby, and I knew quite well the consequences of giving a child up. But my parents told me they would not help with raising my son and I didn’t want to be known as a “Welfare Mom”. So when I gave birth to my son in November, I signed away my rights and gave him up for adoption. His name was Brian, and he was adopted in January.
Every November near his birthday, I thought about him. What would he being doing now? I got updates on him when I asked for them. I even got pictures of him until he was two years old. I was told to forget about him, but it is impossible to simply forget a child. At Christmas that year, someone made me a keepsake box with his name on it. In it were all the things I got from the hospital: the little hat he wore, a tiny spoon; and balloons I got from different people. I have his and my ID bracelets. I have some pictures that I took. I kept all these things so if he did ever find me he could see them. I really wanted to go to his high school graduation, but there was a lot of red tape I would have had to go through in order to attend, so I decided not to.
On January 15, 2010, my husband Ray received a call at our house. The caller asked for me and Ray told him I was at work. The caller did not feel comfortable leaving his name, but Ray did a reverse look-up on the phone number and found it was from the Waterloo, IA, area. When I got home from work that night, Ray said I had had a phone call and it was a cellular number. I knew that my son had been living in the Waterloo area for most of his life. I just knew that the call had to be from him – the son I had given up 20 years ago because of my unlivable wages.
On Saturday, January 16, 2010, I called the cellular number and got a hold of him. I asked if he was looking for Vicki Erickson and he said yes, and that he would talk to me later that day. I dropped everything I had scheduled for that day. In shock, I asked him if he was the child I had given up 20 years ago and he said yes. Then he took a picture of himself on his cell phone and sent it to me. I looked at the picture and just started crying because he looks just like me. I never thought in a million years that “Brian” would try to find me.
Except his name wasn’t Brian anymore. He had been named Ty by his adopted parents. We texted each other for a month before we met for the first time. I was attending the Iowa CareGivers Association’s Day on the Hill program at the State Capitol in Des Moines, IA. I asked him to come to Des Moines to meet me and stay at the hotel where we were staying. We met Ty’s girlfriend in the lobby for about an hour before going upstairs to meet him. He was up in his room going crazy from nervousness waiting to meet me.
When we got ready to go up to the room to meet him, I was very scared because I did not know if he would like me. Go figure…Ty felt the same way. But surprisingly, we hit it off really well. Ty and his girlfriend came to Atlantic, IA, to stay with us for a couple of days. While they were in town, he got to meet my mom and my sister. We even had family pictures taken while he was here.
At the time we were living in different parts of the state – about 3 ½ hours from each other. But we kept in touch and arranged another meeting. This time, Ty’s adopted mom and his little brother wanted to meet me. His mother showed me some of his things she kept that I gave him when he was a baby. She still had one of his outfits that I had bought. She still had his baby book, pictures, and the bag that I had sent everything with him. After returning home, we stayed in touch. When I’d get off work we’d text until one or two in the morning.
Vicki & Ty
What a difference 20 years can make. Though I’m still working as a DCW, I’ve now become an advocate for better wages, benefits and respect. I have a lovely home with my husband and we’re able to do things I never dreamed. Today, Ty and his girlfriend and her little girl are living with us. I could not ask for more, and I couldn’t ask for a better son.
Dear Vicki, I lost my son in 1990 under similar circumstances and want to thank you very much for telling your story. Tragically, many mothers in the U.S. continue to be separated from their newborns for adoption (5x as many surrenders for adoption as the UK). The vast majority of these family separations are due to a lack of support to help mothers keep their children, women’s jobs being underpaid and mothers feeling like they have no way out, an appalling lack of protection for the rights of mothers considering adoption, and lack of regulation of the powerful multi-billion dollar U.S. baby trade industry. I commend and thank you for speaking up and being an advocate for other DCWs and mothers!
Thanks for posting your story, Vicki. It’s an inspiration to all mothers. You and Ty definitely look alike!
Ms. Erickson – Thank you for sharing the story of your son’s loss and reunion with him. It’s lovingly told. You and your son both display strength, love and determination in building a future together. This is no small undertaking.
I also loss a child to adoption and we were reunited some 25 years later. Not a easy road and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
All the best to you, Ty and your family!
Hi Vicki – My heart ached for you reading your story. It’s wonderful that you created your own happy ending- but it is indeed tragic that someone doing the most important work we can do – caring for other frail and vulnerable human beings – is not compensated well enough to care for her own child. Please keep up the important advocacy work you’re doing so that others just starting in this career have options you never had. God bless, Sharon Brothers, aQuire Training Solutions.
Hi Vicki, Thank you for sharing your story. I understand how difficult and painful it is to be separated from your child. Everyone else has the luxury of forgetting except the mother and child or children. The sacred bond of a mother and child does not simply vanish over the years apart. I have been separated from my daughter for 10 years and counting. I have another child that I was reunited with after five years. My children were spilt from me and from each other. The time apart has been hard on all of us. I cannot begin to explain to someone how like death this loss is. But, sometimes I see my son sleeping in my home and know that nobody can ever replace me as their mommy. The secrecy, silence, and shame associated with adoption as a birth-mother has been so heavy. I see many women who are treated like bad people because they made a selfless decision to let their child or children have better opportunities than they could afford to offer, while adoptive parents are praised as saviors. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Bless you, your son and his girlfriend and your grandchild. So many women wait for the safe return of thier babies, often due to circumstances beyond their control.
What a remarkable love story this is, Vicki! The love you have for your son – such love that you shared him with another family through adoption. The love you have for the profession that you proudly represent – such love that you have become a strong leader and role model. The love you have for the people you have cared for all of these years – such love that your family has come to include many of those folks. Your story demonstrates, again, the urgent need to continue lobbying and advocating on behalf of direct care workers.
And what a wonderful ending – and beginning – to your story. Your son and his family now live with you. This is a full circle love story. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Lynne Wichmann
I can relate to your happiness and to your wonderful story. I finally met my father when I was 55 years old and it was a wonderful reunion, not only with him but with 5 half siblings I didn’t know existed. But I hope you’re not blaming DCW salaries for getting pregnant or giving up a child. The quality of our individual decisions does not drive the appropriateness of our compensation.
Vicki,
What a wonderful story. I cried as I read it. I will pray that you will have a life time of memories to make and a son now to hold onto.
Congrads..
Vicki,
What a gut-wrenching/heart warming story all rolled into one! May God continue blessing you and Ray and Ty! Keep the heat on for better working conditions for DCWs!
Thank you so much for sharing this story, Vicki. I’m so glad you and Ty found each other, but I’m sorry you had so many years apart. This is such a powerful example of the sacrifices direct care workers must make.
Vicki, Thank you for sharing your stories and life journey with us. I believe in the power of love and knowone can stop it when it is just meant to be .The power of positive energy flows and is unstopable. Love will always find a way.
Hi Vicky, Thank you so much for writing your moving and remarkable story. I am so glad that you wrote this. In my early years as a direct care worker my story was sort of the flip side of yours. I was 19 when I got pregnant with my daughter and was 20 when I had her as a single parent. I went to school and became a CNA. It was a reasonably fast training and I loved working with people. I worked full time trying to support my child and myself. We moved from place to place and legally was considered homeless. It always amazed me that while dcw’s have a physical and emotional impact on their clients and the clients families as well, we are paid and considered a low wage worker. The government and society looks at dcw’s as an entry level position, a job for the uneducated, but are willing to pay someone millions of dollars to sit behind a desk with no human contact. Yes it was my decision to have a baby, and yes it was my decision to keep that baby and with you Vicki you gave your son a better life by giving him up for adoption. I just think that it is unethical to expect someone to work hard, and help other people have a better life, yet because of our low wages my daughter and I were homeless and you had the heartwrenching decision of giving up your son. So I guess my question to everyone out there is: If I come to your home and help you bathe, dress, do to the bathroom, prepare your meals, do your laundry, clean your house so that you and your family can live reasonably well, shouldn’t I be able to afford to support my child? Thanks again for your beautiful and inspiring story.
Jenn Craigue
DCA Board Chair
I want to say thank you for all the good comments everyone has gave me.
This discussion is moving, heartfelt and it reveals the human cost of continuing to pay for long term care services on the backs of direct care workers. As Jenn’s comment indicates, it is perfectly acceptable and expected that direct care workers will ensure autonomy, quality of life and care exists for millions while direct care workers sacrifice essential human needs. It is a choice to be mom, but not a choice that our country foolishly fails to value the direct care job. Vicky, thank you for being so open and honest and direct about this moving story. I am glad you guys reunited! And, it is soo sweet to have you back blogging. Keep them coming!
Beauiful story Vicki! We have to keep telling them, and remember we are making people aware of what we do, who we are, what we need! Take care, see you next month! I’m sending you hug!
Vicki, I know this story first hand as you well, know, I want everyone out there to know what a really special person you are. You married my oldest son almost 20 years ago, and were instantly part of our family, although you had the heartache of giving up your beloved child, you never allowed it to make you bitter or jealous of other mothers. you and Ray are the God-Parents of his little sister’s oldest Daughter, who loves you both as 2nd parents. you and Ray have worked hard to make conditions better for other DCW. I guess Ray,s Dad said it best when he met you for the first time”if all our sons marry girls like Vicki they will be lucky”, and I couldn’t agree more We love you Vicki, you are the BEST