Comments on: Letting Her Go: How direct care work prepared me to care for my wife

By: Amy Stewart

Amy Stewart — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 13:40:40 +0000

John- I have been browsing this “Caregiver” forum. I know it’s time for me to get help with perspective. As I was checking through my husbands carepages, making myself aware of which family members and/or friends had gotten a chance to see the latest update – the fourth of July holiday is over now so the rest who want updates wil start checking. And part of me felt sad. Each fourth of July – since my husband was born – his entire family has gathered to see our “small town” (used to be small!) parade and then back to his fathers house ( the same house he grew up in) to play soccer and eat and be with family. For the last three years it’s gotten more and more difficult for my husband to attend. And then finally this year we were not even told of the particulars – it was assumed he could not make it and I think a decision made based on logic. And somehow – though he knew there was no way he could be there – he was crushed by having not been told of the details or at least even hearing any mention of it by his dad. So – knowing his heart was hurt – and as I looked to see who checked on him before the gathering and after – trying to anticipate who might try to call – I had so many emotions; and I knew that I needed a group who knew. And that even though loved much by family and friends – lots of them do not “get it”. And being sad or angry with them is the worst way to use up what energy I have left.

I browsed through different highlighted entries and found the tears of relief flowing down my face. I’m so tired – and everyone here “gets” that.

And then I came to you. And your words and I wanted to reach out and “hug” you. While you were loosing your wife, I was coming to the realization that my husband was more unwell then I was willing to admit. I also cared for my mother who passed away. And I have some medical background also. As I read your words- I cried for you. I am sorry for your losses: your mom so long ago, and your best friend/wife/love. I read your words and related so so much to that “push” to the cure, the answer – not wanting to quit!! And then the truth is that your love is even more driven then that driven spirit, isn’t it? We think so positive and try to bring our loved one along, don’t we?! But it just takes that special look, that meaningful conversation when our loved one says, “I love you so much. I’m trying. But I’m so tired.” And then we find out that our drive and our determination cannot fix this awful and unfair thing. I’m so sorry John. And what a beautiful blessing you are to your wife; I bet you also feel she was your blessing. That mysterious place of Nirvana. Yours was in having to let go. Someone else has already been healed. My sweet husband and I fall under the category of yet to be determined.

Thank you for sharing such a beautiful and yet painful story. I will think of you often and pray that time helps to let your heart heal.

By: Neill DeClercq

Neill DeClercq — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 19:37:59 +0000

John,

Such a moving and insightful statement. You are still me mentor.

By: Alex

Alex — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 19:48:29 +0000

Thank you for writing this very moving piece about caring for you wife. Caring for people at the end of their lives is one of the most profound and compassionate acts we as humans are capable of.

I am so very sorry for your loss.

By: Bridget Siljander

Bridget Siljander — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 23:47:12 +0000

Dear John, I am so sorry for your loss and deeply moved by your story of love, caring and commitment. Your wife was fortunate to have you by her side during such an incredibly difficult time. You are a light and a blessing in the lives of so many and bring so much dignity to our profession. Thank you for sharing your story and all the best to you and your family always, Bridget

By: John Booker

John Booker — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 17:23:22 +0000

A heart-felt thanks to everyone, your thoughts are comforting and appreciated by me and the entire family. John

By: Vera Salter

Vera Salter — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 16:44:53 +0000

Dear John, Thank you so much for sharing your insight and experience in such a moving way. My thoughts are with you as you move forward.

By: Bob Stevens

Bob Stevens — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 00:42:07 +0000

John, condolensces on the loss of your wife. Although the circumstances are difficult, I wish everyone could read your piece and come away with the same positive impression I got…you are a quality individual and a quality representative for direct care workers. Thank you.

By: Shannon

Shannon — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 21:20:46 +0000

John I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. May you find the peace in knowing that she is no longer suffering and she is know keeping watch over as you did for her during her fight with cancer. God bless, Shannon.

By: Terry Bucher

Terry Bucher — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 20:51:09 +0000

John: My sympathy on the death of your beloved wife. In this difficult time, may you be blessed with peace and joy knowing that you gave to her the very best of care! God Bless you!

By: Alicia

Alicia — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 19:22:05 +0000

Your story was so beautifully written. I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved wife.
She was so blessed to have you there, while respecting her wishes. You will never regret that.
It’s people like you that make direct care workers stand out!
God bless you.